Wearing off that Stigma

My classmates call me inexpressive, as in "ang babaeng walang emosyon". Acquaintances think I'm strange, weird, hostile, and boastful. Strangers think I'm just too simple to get attention, ordinary, unfriendly.  I wear those stigma… the different negative perspective of people about my over-all personality.

You had your own set of branding by similar people around you, but did you ever considered changing the way they view you as a human being? I did, and I'm still doing it.

First off, let's clear things up with my classmates. I do have emotions! I just don't know how to properly express it at times, except when some situations prompt me to: like when I must get some help from good people that's why I'll have to wear that genuine "paawa" effect, or let someone realize that I'm angry with him or her by looking straight into their eyes with an indifferent, cold, and unresponsive stare.  Still, the impression surely lasts, even after graduation. They still call me like that, still thinking that I am a direct inheritor of the poker-face look, still believing that I carry no emotions inside me when I need it the most.

Honestly, the belief sometimes pisses me off, not because it's not true, but because it is! I can see, hear, and analyze my voice and actions well to assess that I've been a stone for four years who rarely moves in her place and rarely let a teardrop fall from her hard-to-read eyes. Their constant reminder of how numb I am keeps me at the edge of personal irritation. Yes, because I can't seem to find a way out of that stigma they threw on me.

Then here comes graduation and people have to work, and inside the job, you must really express yourself clearly to people or you might get fired. Sometimes, I got to do the right thing: like smiling when I see my boss coming, saying good morning with my face painting the same message, and showing my guests through nice, pleasant words that they are welcome to enter the booth. But there are those failed times when I become too transparent of my feelings of resistance and disagreement that I might as well return to my normal "stone" state so that I can't hurt or offend other people.

There and then I jump on and off the line graph… sometimes reaching the peak level of being an expert in proper emotional delivery and then at times swoosh to a lashing downward line that practically decreases my "ganda points" and potentials.

The current assessment? I do plans and efforts like working hard to maintain the standard level of rightful and honest expression, training to get my message across without having to sound hostile but rather respectful and civilized, and constantly reminding myself that all things come in good timing, and I should include my manner of speaking in perfect tempo, so no measure on the overall composition will be ruined.

Now then… That's the current workload. Stigma from classmates gradually resolves.

But what's with all these acquaintances thinking that I'm "mayabang" and "nangangain ng tao"?

Yeah, I know I'm ugly, but I'm not a monster! I certainly am not  a cocky, braggart social climber, and I'm not even close to a cannibal 'cause I always prefer fruits and chicken! I might deny all the allegations, but of course no one will listen to what I've got to say unless I do something to break the developing not-so-good impressions directed to me.

What I do? I smile at them, constantly. I laugh at their jokes, listen to what they say, and outwardly express my sympathy. Well, part of it was meant for sweet revenge, but a big chunk goes to the goal of gaining these detractors not as enemies but as friends. You know, gaining a lot of friends will help you a lot, in many things, and will ultimately help you develop yourself as a person. A healthy life is not achieved through solitary confinement alone. Anyway, humans are not born anti-social. Some just do it by choice or due to psychological reasons, but the most pleasant way to live is by having bonds with your own race. You might prefer pets, but they bite, and can cause you rabies. At least, humans, I say normal humans, don't bite and infect you with rabies (but be sure to choose your friends so you won’t be "poisoned" behind your back).

Aside from smiling and showing my ever effective sympathetic nods and questions, I constantly remind them of my existence. I say hi and wave at them when I see them or bump at them. I try myself not to be snobbish, though at times I really can’t help being one 'cause of my poor and seemingly selective eyesight. I don't see well during the night, and unless you're my crush, I can't recognize your face unless you're just inches from mine. I'm so sorry about that. My body, my eyes, are just proving the scientific explanations that our pupils dilate whenever we see that special someone, meaning more light coming in and more room for an improving eyesight, that's why I can easily see "him" amid the poor lighting. But let me reiterate, I'm doing everything I can to avoid being snobbish. It's a hard work but believe me, being not "suplada" and wearing a ready smile always generously pays off.

Now then, about the strangers  who initially thought I can't be friends with anyone and I'm just so simple-minded, I let them hear me. My voice is a good medium to do so. I sing, they listen, and unless they are bitter people, all the branding are erased. The ordinary girl transforms into someone interesting, or at least, an above-average human being. And when I recite in class (because the branding was in High School), I do my best to answer, in my best known English accent - heads up and sure of things. I don’t want to prove though that I am a genius, I just don't want to be forever underestimated. I hate mediocrity, and that's why I aim not to be common, and if others think I am, I constantly find ways to stop them from thinking like that. I can also joke around if needed, and grant them special things. The end result? Some of these strangers became my best friends and close friends before the end  of the school year.

I tried, and continuously trying my best to erase the immediate marks in my person that I know won't benefit me in the long run, and because of that goal, managed to gain friends, and maintain what was left in my social inner circle. Wearing off the stigma, that is, proving to people you are not what they think you are through your actions, is a big challenge. But such challenges will help you improve and receive more than what you've expected. Remaining like that forever, staying branded without doing anything is far worse than exerting some efforts to a forever unbelieving audience. I, and you, must try wiping out the brands and name-calling off the surface. Let them dive deeper. Let them discover your true self. Who knows? You might even influence them in becoming a better person through your good acts. That will be, for me, the greatest reward ever.