Wearing off that Stigma

My classmates call me inexpressive, as in "ang babaeng walang emosyon". Acquaintances think I'm strange, weird, hostile, and boastful. Strangers think I'm just too simple to get attention, ordinary, unfriendly.  I wear those stigma… the different negative perspective of people about my over-all personality.

You had your own set of branding by similar people around you, but did you ever considered changing the way they view you as a human being? I did, and I'm still doing it.

First off, let's clear things up with my classmates. I do have emotions! I just don't know how to properly express it at times, except when some situations prompt me to: like when I must get some help from good people that's why I'll have to wear that genuine "paawa" effect, or let someone realize that I'm angry with him or her by looking straight into their eyes with an indifferent, cold, and unresponsive stare.  Still, the impression surely lasts, even after graduation. They still call me like that, still thinking that I am a direct inheritor of the poker-face look, still believing that I carry no emotions inside me when I need it the most.

Honestly, the belief sometimes pisses me off, not because it's not true, but because it is! I can see, hear, and analyze my voice and actions well to assess that I've been a stone for four years who rarely moves in her place and rarely let a teardrop fall from her hard-to-read eyes. Their constant reminder of how numb I am keeps me at the edge of personal irritation. Yes, because I can't seem to find a way out of that stigma they threw on me.

Then here comes graduation and people have to work, and inside the job, you must really express yourself clearly to people or you might get fired. Sometimes, I got to do the right thing: like smiling when I see my boss coming, saying good morning with my face painting the same message, and showing my guests through nice, pleasant words that they are welcome to enter the booth. But there are those failed times when I become too transparent of my feelings of resistance and disagreement that I might as well return to my normal "stone" state so that I can't hurt or offend other people.

There and then I jump on and off the line graph… sometimes reaching the peak level of being an expert in proper emotional delivery and then at times swoosh to a lashing downward line that practically decreases my "ganda points" and potentials.

The current assessment? I do plans and efforts like working hard to maintain the standard level of rightful and honest expression, training to get my message across without having to sound hostile but rather respectful and civilized, and constantly reminding myself that all things come in good timing, and I should include my manner of speaking in perfect tempo, so no measure on the overall composition will be ruined.

Now then… That's the current workload. Stigma from classmates gradually resolves.

But what's with all these acquaintances thinking that I'm "mayabang" and "nangangain ng tao"?

Yeah, I know I'm ugly, but I'm not a monster! I certainly am not  a cocky, braggart social climber, and I'm not even close to a cannibal 'cause I always prefer fruits and chicken! I might deny all the allegations, but of course no one will listen to what I've got to say unless I do something to break the developing not-so-good impressions directed to me.

What I do? I smile at them, constantly. I laugh at their jokes, listen to what they say, and outwardly express my sympathy. Well, part of it was meant for sweet revenge, but a big chunk goes to the goal of gaining these detractors not as enemies but as friends. You know, gaining a lot of friends will help you a lot, in many things, and will ultimately help you develop yourself as a person. A healthy life is not achieved through solitary confinement alone. Anyway, humans are not born anti-social. Some just do it by choice or due to psychological reasons, but the most pleasant way to live is by having bonds with your own race. You might prefer pets, but they bite, and can cause you rabies. At least, humans, I say normal humans, don't bite and infect you with rabies (but be sure to choose your friends so you won’t be "poisoned" behind your back).

Aside from smiling and showing my ever effective sympathetic nods and questions, I constantly remind them of my existence. I say hi and wave at them when I see them or bump at them. I try myself not to be snobbish, though at times I really can’t help being one 'cause of my poor and seemingly selective eyesight. I don't see well during the night, and unless you're my crush, I can't recognize your face unless you're just inches from mine. I'm so sorry about that. My body, my eyes, are just proving the scientific explanations that our pupils dilate whenever we see that special someone, meaning more light coming in and more room for an improving eyesight, that's why I can easily see "him" amid the poor lighting. But let me reiterate, I'm doing everything I can to avoid being snobbish. It's a hard work but believe me, being not "suplada" and wearing a ready smile always generously pays off.

Now then, about the strangers  who initially thought I can't be friends with anyone and I'm just so simple-minded, I let them hear me. My voice is a good medium to do so. I sing, they listen, and unless they are bitter people, all the branding are erased. The ordinary girl transforms into someone interesting, or at least, an above-average human being. And when I recite in class (because the branding was in High School), I do my best to answer, in my best known English accent - heads up and sure of things. I don’t want to prove though that I am a genius, I just don't want to be forever underestimated. I hate mediocrity, and that's why I aim not to be common, and if others think I am, I constantly find ways to stop them from thinking like that. I can also joke around if needed, and grant them special things. The end result? Some of these strangers became my best friends and close friends before the end  of the school year.

I tried, and continuously trying my best to erase the immediate marks in my person that I know won't benefit me in the long run, and because of that goal, managed to gain friends, and maintain what was left in my social inner circle. Wearing off the stigma, that is, proving to people you are not what they think you are through your actions, is a big challenge. But such challenges will help you improve and receive more than what you've expected. Remaining like that forever, staying branded without doing anything is far worse than exerting some efforts to a forever unbelieving audience. I, and you, must try wiping out the brands and name-calling off the surface. Let them dive deeper. Let them discover your true self. Who knows? You might even influence them in becoming a better person through your good acts. That will be, for me, the greatest reward ever.

From the jeep's stereo

Tired from a whole day's work, I can't help dozing off when riding a jeep on my way home to Antipolo. It's inevitable and I'm always drowsy, thanks to the medium to heavy traffic, exhausted faces of my fellow passengers, and the irritable "konduktor" who keeps playing noise (rap and all) that I can't stand listening to.

But last night was different. Just when I was about to take off to dreamland, a familiar song played from the jeepney's stereo.

That was "A Thousand Years" from Christina Perri, written as a sound track for the "Breaking Dawn".

Though awaken by the song's intro, I kept my eyes shut. The first lines came, and then all memories began to fill my mind. The images just flashed back like a running film strip inside my head.

When the song ended, the reminiscing stopped. There was silence inside my head. And all of a sudden, a question: Will it be possible for someone to do something like that? Love someone for more than the years of his/her life?

I thought of marriage. A married couple under biblical teachings may well understand that only death can part them, so I guess that applies to them.

Couples, those who were not married? If they are guided, they can do this through Divine providence.

But what about... me? Can I actually do this?

First problem. I got no boyfriend. It's not because boys are afraid of me or I am too ugly. It was by choice. I don't want any distractions when I was studying, and now that I'm not, I had a promise that I will not take into consideration any man from getting me because... well, just because. Anyway, that's the first problem. I was thinking hard that if I'm about to love someone as long as a thousand years, I should look for the boy who'll be the object of that feeling.

Currently, I have one. But, hey! It's not a reciprocated interest, and he doesn't even have a single idea about it! So the next question is... will the feeling last for a thousand years if it's not mutual?

Hmmm.... I paused for such a considerable time to marvel at the question. Honestly, I didn't know of the answer. And still a lot of questions flowed after, like, what if he finally finds the one he loves and I'll be watching from afar as usual? Will I still have that feeling for him? That feeling that when I see him walking, my heart beats fast like I was about to do my recital piece in front of a large audience, and my head moves swiftly from one direction to another just to avoid that "accidental" gaze he might throw in me, fearing that he may look into my eyes, and read my thoughts about him? That feeling of gratification when I see a picture of him, clear, no edits, just plainly him, and that nagging urge to hit that "like" button to somehow express that I am pleased with his post, but fought against that urge because I'm a conservative and a reserved girl who won't go launching the first moves? That feeling of jealousy and envy when other girls have the guts to talk to him and make him smile, or when other girls know him personally and manages to carry on a casual conversation with him, while I look from a distance, observing his gestures and the movement of his eyes? That feeling of unexplained happiness when I know pieces of him from a person I trust... the details, his wants, his preferences, his words, and automatically process those information for my long term memory bank? That feeling of wanting to shout at myself for being crazy about the boy, realizing that I'm just another girl attracted to him, that other girls prettier than me are interested in him, and that he has his own interests, too and it's not me, of course?

I wonder. If that continues, will this feeling last for a thousand years?

I'm worried, because he makes me happy without him doing anything for me, but if he does something that will not complement my feelings, the sheer joy will be damn over. Really, I'm preparing myself for what might happen in the future. Who knows, right?

Then suddenly, another question popped up. What if... we became friends? Shoot. I still got no plans for that kind of situation. Because... How will I act normal? Can I act normal in front of him in the first place? What if I'll be included in his "friend zone" (that will hurt!)? How will I hide the truth? Can I hide it in the first place? Some of the questions, and I still got no answers. But surely, I have to make a plan for such scenarios.

The question remains... will loving someone for a thousand years and a thousand more applicable to me? I guess... the answer lie on that far, far future. You can't really understand what I'm going through. :p

Things I Learned from People I Know

I love talking to people. It may be a refutable statement but I do love it when I've got to have a chance to chat with the men and women around me. I listen to their words, observe their gestures, watch how their eyes look, assess their stories, and think over their advice and teachings. As I grow older, I've realized that I've already talked to so many of them, and pondering about our conversations, came up with the conclusion that my ideals, principles, the things I believe in life, were all there because of their influence. My mom, dad, preachers, instructors, family, friends, acquaintances, and even strangers… These are the people that I've talked to and/or listened to… and listed below are just a small fraction of the myriad things I learned from them. If you have the time to read, enjoy and try these things: 

* Be high-spirited but properly restrained.

* Keep in mind God's commandments.

* Always be humble. Always be friendly. Always be curious.

* Appreciate little things.

* Get a life.

* Learn from all kinds of people.

* Learn to walk on other's shoes. Be open-minded.

* Sacrifice things for the sake of others. Don't think much of yourself.

* Be of help, don't be a headache.

* Be assertive but polite and respectful.

* Believe in all things, and weigh which are the most important.

* Don't dwell in the past, make the best out of today, invest in your future.

* Cherish moments with friends.

* Try new dishes, go to unfamiliar places, stay dumb but learning.

* Don't be afraid to cook food and be criticized. Wash the dishes regularly. Keep your bed sheets clean.
* Hug your mom and dad whenever you have the chance.

* Always say thank you and don't be shy to say sorry.

* Don't let a precious relationship be ruined just because you're jealous.

* Procrastinating is good when you're sure you can finish your tasks in time.

* Have fun, play basketball :).

* Chat with friends.

* Don’t try to impress everyone, be yourself, but don't forget to work for improvements.

* Do what you want before it's too late.

* Don't be an annoying perfectionist.

* Always think that every people you encounter are more kind-hearted than you are.
* Appreciate beautiful things.

* Learn from your best friends.

* Communicate with your brothers and sisters - you'll be surprised to know that they are actually lovable and adorable creatures.

* Open yourself to people you care about.

* Stay happy wherever you are.

* Sketch landscapes.

* Be a different person everyday.

* Learn to comb your hair and shine your shoes.

* Smile - it's viral.

* Make phone calls, don't text.

* Communication is best when it's personal.

* Stand for what you believe in but be open-minded for better ideas.

* Touch your friends; there are things that are better left unsaid and communicated through silent intimacy.

* Accept that you don't know anything and you need to ask. Just ask wisely, by the way.

* Never be afraid to express your ideas.

* Read books… it's very therapeutic!

* Please… practice time management!

* Be true to your promises, otherwise don't make a promise.

* You don't know what tomorrow may bring, but you can pray that it will be something great.

* Respect everyone.

* Don't interrupt when someone's telling you his life story. Show that you're genuinely interested.

* The key to making friends is knowing what she likes and realizing that you share the same preference. Err..like basketball players. :)

* At the end of the day, assess what you've done and pray for strength to make it better for the next day.

* Be quick. Time is running out.

* Be practical. Be assertive. Be aggressive sometimes.

* Think of your parents when you're planning to spend money.

* Love the people who love you. Do good things to don't.

* Be nice to children. They probably don't know it when they get so annoying.

* When confused, go back to the basic.

* Review your notes!

* Strengthen your strengths.

* When you've done something great, it's not you who did it. All glory and praises are to Him. You are a worthless servant.

…and a lot more. :)