From the jeep's stereo

Tired from a whole day's work, I can't help dozing off when riding a jeep on my way home to Antipolo. It's inevitable and I'm always drowsy, thanks to the medium to heavy traffic, exhausted faces of my fellow passengers, and the irritable "konduktor" who keeps playing noise (rap and all) that I can't stand listening to.

But last night was different. Just when I was about to take off to dreamland, a familiar song played from the jeepney's stereo.

That was "A Thousand Years" from Christina Perri, written as a sound track for the "Breaking Dawn".

Though awaken by the song's intro, I kept my eyes shut. The first lines came, and then all memories began to fill my mind. The images just flashed back like a running film strip inside my head.

When the song ended, the reminiscing stopped. There was silence inside my head. And all of a sudden, a question: Will it be possible for someone to do something like that? Love someone for more than the years of his/her life?

I thought of marriage. A married couple under biblical teachings may well understand that only death can part them, so I guess that applies to them.

Couples, those who were not married? If they are guided, they can do this through Divine providence.

But what about... me? Can I actually do this?

First problem. I got no boyfriend. It's not because boys are afraid of me or I am too ugly. It was by choice. I don't want any distractions when I was studying, and now that I'm not, I had a promise that I will not take into consideration any man from getting me because... well, just because. Anyway, that's the first problem. I was thinking hard that if I'm about to love someone as long as a thousand years, I should look for the boy who'll be the object of that feeling.

Currently, I have one. But, hey! It's not a reciprocated interest, and he doesn't even have a single idea about it! So the next question is... will the feeling last for a thousand years if it's not mutual?

Hmmm.... I paused for such a considerable time to marvel at the question. Honestly, I didn't know of the answer. And still a lot of questions flowed after, like, what if he finally finds the one he loves and I'll be watching from afar as usual? Will I still have that feeling for him? That feeling that when I see him walking, my heart beats fast like I was about to do my recital piece in front of a large audience, and my head moves swiftly from one direction to another just to avoid that "accidental" gaze he might throw in me, fearing that he may look into my eyes, and read my thoughts about him? That feeling of gratification when I see a picture of him, clear, no edits, just plainly him, and that nagging urge to hit that "like" button to somehow express that I am pleased with his post, but fought against that urge because I'm a conservative and a reserved girl who won't go launching the first moves? That feeling of jealousy and envy when other girls have the guts to talk to him and make him smile, or when other girls know him personally and manages to carry on a casual conversation with him, while I look from a distance, observing his gestures and the movement of his eyes? That feeling of unexplained happiness when I know pieces of him from a person I trust... the details, his wants, his preferences, his words, and automatically process those information for my long term memory bank? That feeling of wanting to shout at myself for being crazy about the boy, realizing that I'm just another girl attracted to him, that other girls prettier than me are interested in him, and that he has his own interests, too and it's not me, of course?

I wonder. If that continues, will this feeling last for a thousand years?

I'm worried, because he makes me happy without him doing anything for me, but if he does something that will not complement my feelings, the sheer joy will be damn over. Really, I'm preparing myself for what might happen in the future. Who knows, right?

Then suddenly, another question popped up. What if... we became friends? Shoot. I still got no plans for that kind of situation. Because... How will I act normal? Can I act normal in front of him in the first place? What if I'll be included in his "friend zone" (that will hurt!)? How will I hide the truth? Can I hide it in the first place? Some of the questions, and I still got no answers. But surely, I have to make a plan for such scenarios.

The question remains... will loving someone for a thousand years and a thousand more applicable to me? I guess... the answer lie on that far, far future. You can't really understand what I'm going through. :p