An out-of-season talk about Summer

There came the sudden gush of wind and, alas! My hair was entangled than ever, my skirt flew halfway to the point that "forbidden land" are just inches away from bare, and my eyes teared from the invisible enemy's dust. Ah, such are scenarios of Summer days when you live in the rural areas of Antipolo.

Yes, in this place where roads are not all concrete and muddy slopes rule the place in rainy days; and dusty, cowboy-film-like grounds during Summer. But the heat is not always the main character during the dry season, for the breeze occasionally makes a guest appearance. It can be so steamy during mid-day, but still, as if granting mercy to the earthlings, summer breeze will blow. And that explains why I have to check on my hair and hold down my skirt.

Oh yes, Summer. It is in this season when I feel so satisfied when I complain about the heat everyday. But the summer breeze made me realize how narrow and naive I am. I've understood that the heat is an essential part of life, and no one can actually complain because it's natural for the temperatures to shoot up in this time of year.

But why do I incessantly complain and even end up blaming my madness and irritability to the sun? Well, because it was great. It's a great, mean feeling when you look for something to blame for your own ill-mannered tendencies. "It's because of this heat, blah, blah, blah." And you can get away with your attitude because Summer is to blame.

But Summer is not always treated as a culprit. I eagerly wait for summer because at last I can hit the beach, or I can do various outdoor activities without much hassle, and some people look forward to it so they can don their new-purchased bikinis and finally, they can hit the beach without worrying about sea accidents related to gigantic waves and rising water levels. Add to that the fruits this season offer - juicy, sweet, and tropical mouthfuls which I can eat raw, make shakes from, or experiment on.

Summer must have also been smart. It knows that the beach is good for me that's why its heat keeps on nagging me to go out for the resorts. The ocean water can detoxify the body and the sound of the waves is a serious stress buster. But just be reminded to apply your sunblock as often as needed, because still, summer can be harsh however thoughtful it may be.

During summer, I might keep cursing because I sweat all over and five minutes after I've hydrated myself I feel thirsty again. But, aside from the beach, I also enjoy Summer because of the afternoon breeze.

Ah. I can hear the wind's whisper. It seemed so peaceful, that afternoon breeze that tickles my cheeks. Reminds me that summer is not always harsh. Summer was required to be hot, but it tries to make it up for me through letting the soft breeze blow, except that dust still gets in my eyes. But breeze is better than none during this season, so I'll bear with the dust.

But again, be sure to apply sunblock because Summer heat is really unforgiving.

People, like Summer, can also be harsh, but they sure have qualities that will remind me of the soft summer breeze and the sensation of the beach. I guess I can look for those qualities so I can stop complaining about their attitudes. Just like Summer, their surface will certainly be rough, but somewhere deep down is gentleness.

What I need to do is adjust, much like the way that I loved Summer but I had to apply sunblock. Because, just like Summer, I can get mad at the person, but I can't possibly drive that person out of my life. As seasons come with little or no delay, that person will always stay. My final resolution? Just endure the heat.

Depressed?

You name it. The gloom, the sad music, the tears, and the cold. At times I thought I've triumphed over these downcast signs of... what is it called, depression? But practically I'm now quite in the middle of depression and exhilaration - "depration", that's how I call it.

One reason I don't really say I'm depressed is because I've heard from one of the psychiatrists I highly respect regards "depression", the real thing, as a type of mental illness. For the love of... I'm certainly not a mental patient. So I laughed when people say they're depressed. Depression has these signs that lasts for months, 2 then up to 6 months. The signs include lasting loneliness, inactivity, withdrawal, solitude and poor or excessive diet. Depression is not the term you call to your feelings when you're sad for a single day, or even two days. That sadness can certainly be shooed away as quick as it came if it is properly channeled to an outlet like physical activity, a listening boyfriend, or a readership of the Bible. You don't call yourself depressed if you're just that, lonely, unless you're lonely almost everyday and cannot cope up.

Depression is such a scary thing. It can change who you are. It changes the way you think and how you associate with people. Sometimes you don't even want to associate yourself with anybody. You prefer to lock yourself up and stop performing your habits, especially the healthy ones. Most of the time you get a narrow perception on things. And that narrow path of vision points toward your inner self, yourself blaming yourself. Depression is interestingly self-centered at times. You say to yourself: "I'm not good enough, no one loves me, I'm a failure, I don't know what to do, I'm incompetent, I'm a disappointment", blah, blah, blah. Depression is partly negative self-talk. Stupidly enough, you are putting yourself in a dreadful state with your own doing.

But depression has a handful of upsides. It had created a way for famous artists, musicians, and actors to thread on. One person I won't forget is Gogh. You can tell from his works that he's all blue (I even thought he hates his life) and that lingering sadness in his being found its refuge on his paint and canvass. Dabbing brush, mixing colors, then losing his ear. A lonely life as some biographers might say, unacknowledged until he died. The upside of depression, his fame in the arts, realized AFTER he died. It's certainly lonely that you aren't famous while you're living. Your death made you famous but you're not there to witness it, let alone enjoy it and lead you out of depression.

I bit my tongue. Depression has no upsides if you'll get as miserable as that.

But let me tell you this. I won't admit that I'm depressed right now. But I've been. And it was diagnosed early  on when I'm a first year college student. Those test results simply didn't lie and gave me away. I almost lost all the motivation to study for the second year for fear of being misjudged as "may kalembang". I almost believe I do have it (haha) but only to realize that I was found guilty of depression. That's one year imprisonment for you! Goodness, I've admitted that I am indeed depressed. But I was not like those cheesy girls who nag their boyfriends or girl friends with phrases like "Uuuy, depressed ako, grabe!" or posting sad emoticons in social media every other minute because they burned a steak or kicked a dog and telling the world that they are depressed because of those damn reasons. They clearly don't know what they are talking about.

As for me, depression was a killer. A killer of my natural happiness and gay attitude. It's a killer of my talent and meager intellect. It's a death-ringer of my relationships with other people. It's a dark cloud which covered me everywhere. It's a block in my ears, a clot in my veins, and a skip in my heartbeat. My smiles were all fake. And I'm just a teenager. Away from the comforts of home, left by my two warmest friends, pressured by inner conflicts within myself.

Looking back, I thought I was lucky I didn't lose it all. As the psychiatrist have told us (don't get me wrong, I'm not consulting him; he's our program's resource person), depression can ultimately lead to hurting yourself, then suicide. The pain is just too great you will succumb to it and end it once and for all with a gun in your head or a bottle of muriatic acid in your hand. That is, if you lack in your life a loving family, thoughtful friends, kind mentors, and religion. I have all of that which others lack.

I've also realized through the course of time that depression is a weakness of the mind versus heart. If you have a resolve that can be easily swayed, you're dead. When you're depressed you lose most or all of your common sense. You also lose happy memories. The thing you're most depressed about are not worth crying for, or if it's worth crying for, you lose all your strength to face it head on. You just turn and let it bother you for months, then you're out. I'm lucky I have people who brought me back to my senses regularly. They made things make sense. I'm proved to be a fool for that, but at least I was out of depression.

The psychiatrist told me indirectly that I'm melancholic and it can lead to depression. Add another handful of negative stress and depression can be tasted - for me, again. That's why each and everyone of us should lead a prayerful, healthy and active life to nip that depression before it blooms into a rotten-smelling flower - as stinky as the famous and largest flower specie found in the rain forests of Sumatra and Borneo. To keep your mind off those worrisome thoughts is highly effective to make depression behave itself. Treat depression as an unwanted entity and kick it out of your system through divine intervention, and you're the happiest person on earth afterwards. Depression won't help you so don't brag about it but get rid of it.

Aah. What a relief to see myself writing this stuff. Good news, I have a bucketful of stress these past weeks but I know how to correct myself and laugh at it. I was just afraid it might be proven too late before I can make up for my lapses. But there is a lesson in everything that happens. I just have to admit I am to blame for all the mess, and everything will be fine again if I would be given the chance to rectify it. If only there is another chance.

I'm so busy praying for that chance I don't have time to entertain depression.  

Random Thoughts While Outside Home

Did you stop being too busy and bother to look around your surroundings today? If not, then you better plan ahead when to do it. Sooner or later, your workaholic nature and unstoppable motivation to rule the world in the future will eat up all your desire to space out. Before that happens, plan when. Plan now.

Now. While the world has still some green trees left rooted in its grounds; while there are still a yellow butterfly flapping its wings toward your direction and following you 'til it spots a real rose; while the wind can still hum quietly and its nameless song amplified by the rustle of trees; while there are still rivers calm and deep and alive with the breath of life; while there are still sunny weekends and you can still spot a faint set of colorful lines painted lightly on a canvass of a slightly darkened sky.

Now. While children still wear school uniforms and went to real, solid classrooms; while people still laugh and tease and talk loudly inside fast food chains while at break for work; while parents still hold their children's hands on crossing the street; while there are still a stranger willing to guide a lost old man for directions; while the world is still smiling at you up close even though they only met you once and haven't known your name.

Now. While random funny things happen around you and you chanced to witness it; while you can still hear clearly the voices of people and understand pieces of their lives by listening to their words and the way they say them; while you can still see the flickering, changing, and sparkling of street lights which give strange solace to the wanderers of the night; while you can still smell the familiar, nostalgic fragrance of freshly-baked bread as you pass by a famous bakeshop that says "we open at 8am" (which is relatively late); while you can still taste the sweetness of your favorite ice cream and how it tickles to feel it melting inside your mouth; while you can still feel the warmth and comfort of a friend's innocent, consoling touch.

I have stopped once in a while to look at a thing or two around the world I routinely roam into. Fortunately, I never failed to see things that make me smile, inspire me, or prompt me to do something nice. For example, I had this notion to count how many stairs I have to step on before I can catch the 11 o'clock train, and realized that each day, I've been climbing 95 steps... so in 5 days I've been catching my breath as I ran up a staircase equivalent to 95 x 5 steps (you do the Math). Thanks to that my knees don't ache now. That's a reason to smile, I guess.

Though admittedly, I still lack the observation skills equal to that of the "keenest". Some things slip without me noticing even a small trace of it. I've been missing a lot of details within my twenty years of existence for lack of attention, sensitivity and curiosity. Yet, I still want to develop what was left of my "observant side" and see things in a new light every time I make my way to my current..err.. career. Then from there, I can all have the reason to appreciate things more and gradually, nothing will be left unnoticed. As a matter of fact, I'm beginning to learn it now... because I'm seeing how much a smile, a kind word, a clean street, a witty joke, can make my day. All I need to do is to appreciate each, and believe that something bigger and better is bound to happen after each little thing I chose to be happy with.    

A Note

Be careful with your actions, for there might just be people out there who love you and will be so much affected by what you do. You may cause them pain. Well, it would be good news if these people are loud and they will immediately tell if they're hurting. But yes, some people are sufferers in silence. Afraid that they are hurting for no valid reason, they will choose to shut up and say nothing about the pain you're causing them. Mind you, these people are those that feel the more number of pricks inside. Why? For they can't say the feeling out loud. Remember that a suppressed emotion is almost always heart-breaking. When someone can't express themselves, the feeling grows deep inside, until it becomes so big it clouds their whole being, either leaving them miserable or numb.

Of course, you can't let such things happen to anybody else... So try to be more cautious of how you act and how you speak. You matter to some people, and so it is human to keep these people matter to you, too. Sometimes, it's a hard thing to even consider, but what is it that love cannot do? You'll just have to carry love with you at all times, and your words and actions will reflect its abundance in your heart.

Most importantly, you yourself once felt that searing pain inside... that suppressed feeling... the pain that you hold no right to feel... and too afraid to express. Don't let the people around you feel the same way, for you have known how it nearly killed you. Don't let them travel on the same uncertain road of that pain. Never let anyone be pained... because of you.

A Struggle To Realizing Self-Worth

I was standing alone in the dark looking for someone to pull me out of that gloomy background. Sad to say, nobody notices what I'm going through, for my frequent smiles and stinging jokes veil every pain and loneliness which envelopes my whole being. For me the light never comes in, but to the people around me, everything seems very normal, and despite my constant failures, everybody thinks I'm easily getting over each mistake.

I tried to. But I can't.

Those were the times when my productivity was never in its finest. Half-finished works, half-felt smiles, and lesser words from my lips are just some of the evidences that I am not really doing well. I thought, during those days, that every failure I made is a sign of my incurable incompetence and stupidity. I despised myself sorely, I hated myself for not doing excellently, scolded myself for being foolish, and constantly blame myself for every shortcomings. I lost a major fraction of confidence in my whole being, and believe it or not, no amount of encouragement even from the closest of my friends can lift me up from the fall. No one helped me emotionally. I've neglected any help even before they arrive, and so I turned miserable inside.

Thinking I'm worthless made my nights drowned with muffled tears and silent curses for myself. I was up until the dawn, asleep half the day, performing ill in my job, and out of my mind in a few seconds. Yet no one notices. That's when I thought that I'm really worthless, because nobody cares.

Then it hit me.

Did I ever included them to the people who'll know what I am up to? I thought, nobody cares, because I didn't try telling them about my feelings. Of course nobody will react if I maintain a poker face amid all my emotional issues...

But I was too shy to tell anyone. Too embarrassed to admit that I'm being so naive and helpless and childish and all. But after some time, I pulled a great chunk of courage and told someone about the things I felt inside me, in the most bitter way possible. I was crying while telling that person everything I've been keeping in my chest. Guess what he did. He gave me the worst sermon ever. Worst in the sense that he scolded me more for my silly thoughts. He was fed up on talking to me like a baby, so he tried this new process of brushing all my girly emotions aside and presenting the scenario with solid facts so I can get back to my senses. For each point he was quite right, so I kept nodding while wiping each tear that escape from my tired eyes. I started accepting the fact that indeed, people should get on with their lives though emotions try to drag them down. I was , yes, brought back to my senses.

But still, something's missing. I'm still depressed. I still feel I'm damn worthless.

Then someone hit me. Someone spiritually and it said:

"Why are you still alive? If you've got no purpose in life, then I might as well take your life from you."

There I've realized that I'm still on track. I've got my purpose, and as long as I'm trying fervently to get to that purpose that drives me, nothing can pin me down. I've also realized how loved I am, and that SOMEBODY cares for me even before I learned how to care for myself. That Someone, who breathed life to me. That Someone, who allowed a person like me to exist. My existence, my name listed in the NSO, my whole being, is a giant proof that I am loved... very much loved. Being alive alone is a blessing I was chosen to enjoy, and for that my self worth increased.

And after realizing how much loved I am for being alive, I looked around me. Yes, I was not alone. My family, friends, mentors, acquaintances... everyone seem to move in a way that directs me to walk on a positive path and not into that track where all hopes and dreams are always shattered. These people reminded me that indeed there are beautiful things left in this earth to celebrate for. Their laughs, smiles, their kindness... they all add up to my self-worth points. I just can't believe I'm worthy of knowing these wonderful people. They may be few, but these select few have always been the source of my strength and self esteem. These few reminded me that I am, yes, and still, blessed.

Thinking about these wonderful gifts: my existence, where I am today, and the people around me, are all gold coins that add up to the price of my self worth. Because of these things, I felt special. I may admit that some people have more than I had, but to compare myself with others will only be a waste of time. All I know is, I was chosen worthy of these wonderful gifts, and because of that, I never should feel sorry. More than anything else, I should be grateful.

I may still not be worthy, but these gifts have reminded me that I should not think of myself as a useless trash. I may not be perfect, but the truths laid upon me speaks of one thing: I should love myself, for He loves me. 

Wearing off that Stigma

My classmates call me inexpressive, as in "ang babaeng walang emosyon". Acquaintances think I'm strange, weird, hostile, and boastful. Strangers think I'm just too simple to get attention, ordinary, unfriendly.  I wear those stigma… the different negative perspective of people about my over-all personality.

You had your own set of branding by similar people around you, but did you ever considered changing the way they view you as a human being? I did, and I'm still doing it.

First off, let's clear things up with my classmates. I do have emotions! I just don't know how to properly express it at times, except when some situations prompt me to: like when I must get some help from good people that's why I'll have to wear that genuine "paawa" effect, or let someone realize that I'm angry with him or her by looking straight into their eyes with an indifferent, cold, and unresponsive stare.  Still, the impression surely lasts, even after graduation. They still call me like that, still thinking that I am a direct inheritor of the poker-face look, still believing that I carry no emotions inside me when I need it the most.

Honestly, the belief sometimes pisses me off, not because it's not true, but because it is! I can see, hear, and analyze my voice and actions well to assess that I've been a stone for four years who rarely moves in her place and rarely let a teardrop fall from her hard-to-read eyes. Their constant reminder of how numb I am keeps me at the edge of personal irritation. Yes, because I can't seem to find a way out of that stigma they threw on me.

Then here comes graduation and people have to work, and inside the job, you must really express yourself clearly to people or you might get fired. Sometimes, I got to do the right thing: like smiling when I see my boss coming, saying good morning with my face painting the same message, and showing my guests through nice, pleasant words that they are welcome to enter the booth. But there are those failed times when I become too transparent of my feelings of resistance and disagreement that I might as well return to my normal "stone" state so that I can't hurt or offend other people.

There and then I jump on and off the line graph… sometimes reaching the peak level of being an expert in proper emotional delivery and then at times swoosh to a lashing downward line that practically decreases my "ganda points" and potentials.

The current assessment? I do plans and efforts like working hard to maintain the standard level of rightful and honest expression, training to get my message across without having to sound hostile but rather respectful and civilized, and constantly reminding myself that all things come in good timing, and I should include my manner of speaking in perfect tempo, so no measure on the overall composition will be ruined.

Now then… That's the current workload. Stigma from classmates gradually resolves.

But what's with all these acquaintances thinking that I'm "mayabang" and "nangangain ng tao"?

Yeah, I know I'm ugly, but I'm not a monster! I certainly am not  a cocky, braggart social climber, and I'm not even close to a cannibal 'cause I always prefer fruits and chicken! I might deny all the allegations, but of course no one will listen to what I've got to say unless I do something to break the developing not-so-good impressions directed to me.

What I do? I smile at them, constantly. I laugh at their jokes, listen to what they say, and outwardly express my sympathy. Well, part of it was meant for sweet revenge, but a big chunk goes to the goal of gaining these detractors not as enemies but as friends. You know, gaining a lot of friends will help you a lot, in many things, and will ultimately help you develop yourself as a person. A healthy life is not achieved through solitary confinement alone. Anyway, humans are not born anti-social. Some just do it by choice or due to psychological reasons, but the most pleasant way to live is by having bonds with your own race. You might prefer pets, but they bite, and can cause you rabies. At least, humans, I say normal humans, don't bite and infect you with rabies (but be sure to choose your friends so you won’t be "poisoned" behind your back).

Aside from smiling and showing my ever effective sympathetic nods and questions, I constantly remind them of my existence. I say hi and wave at them when I see them or bump at them. I try myself not to be snobbish, though at times I really can’t help being one 'cause of my poor and seemingly selective eyesight. I don't see well during the night, and unless you're my crush, I can't recognize your face unless you're just inches from mine. I'm so sorry about that. My body, my eyes, are just proving the scientific explanations that our pupils dilate whenever we see that special someone, meaning more light coming in and more room for an improving eyesight, that's why I can easily see "him" amid the poor lighting. But let me reiterate, I'm doing everything I can to avoid being snobbish. It's a hard work but believe me, being not "suplada" and wearing a ready smile always generously pays off.

Now then, about the strangers  who initially thought I can't be friends with anyone and I'm just so simple-minded, I let them hear me. My voice is a good medium to do so. I sing, they listen, and unless they are bitter people, all the branding are erased. The ordinary girl transforms into someone interesting, or at least, an above-average human being. And when I recite in class (because the branding was in High School), I do my best to answer, in my best known English accent - heads up and sure of things. I don’t want to prove though that I am a genius, I just don't want to be forever underestimated. I hate mediocrity, and that's why I aim not to be common, and if others think I am, I constantly find ways to stop them from thinking like that. I can also joke around if needed, and grant them special things. The end result? Some of these strangers became my best friends and close friends before the end  of the school year.

I tried, and continuously trying my best to erase the immediate marks in my person that I know won't benefit me in the long run, and because of that goal, managed to gain friends, and maintain what was left in my social inner circle. Wearing off the stigma, that is, proving to people you are not what they think you are through your actions, is a big challenge. But such challenges will help you improve and receive more than what you've expected. Remaining like that forever, staying branded without doing anything is far worse than exerting some efforts to a forever unbelieving audience. I, and you, must try wiping out the brands and name-calling off the surface. Let them dive deeper. Let them discover your true self. Who knows? You might even influence them in becoming a better person through your good acts. That will be, for me, the greatest reward ever.

From the jeep's stereo

Tired from a whole day's work, I can't help dozing off when riding a jeep on my way home to Antipolo. It's inevitable and I'm always drowsy, thanks to the medium to heavy traffic, exhausted faces of my fellow passengers, and the irritable "konduktor" who keeps playing noise (rap and all) that I can't stand listening to.

But last night was different. Just when I was about to take off to dreamland, a familiar song played from the jeepney's stereo.

That was "A Thousand Years" from Christina Perri, written as a sound track for the "Breaking Dawn".

Though awaken by the song's intro, I kept my eyes shut. The first lines came, and then all memories began to fill my mind. The images just flashed back like a running film strip inside my head.

When the song ended, the reminiscing stopped. There was silence inside my head. And all of a sudden, a question: Will it be possible for someone to do something like that? Love someone for more than the years of his/her life?

I thought of marriage. A married couple under biblical teachings may well understand that only death can part them, so I guess that applies to them.

Couples, those who were not married? If they are guided, they can do this through Divine providence.

But what about... me? Can I actually do this?

First problem. I got no boyfriend. It's not because boys are afraid of me or I am too ugly. It was by choice. I don't want any distractions when I was studying, and now that I'm not, I had a promise that I will not take into consideration any man from getting me because... well, just because. Anyway, that's the first problem. I was thinking hard that if I'm about to love someone as long as a thousand years, I should look for the boy who'll be the object of that feeling.

Currently, I have one. But, hey! It's not a reciprocated interest, and he doesn't even have a single idea about it! So the next question is... will the feeling last for a thousand years if it's not mutual?

Hmmm.... I paused for such a considerable time to marvel at the question. Honestly, I didn't know of the answer. And still a lot of questions flowed after, like, what if he finally finds the one he loves and I'll be watching from afar as usual? Will I still have that feeling for him? That feeling that when I see him walking, my heart beats fast like I was about to do my recital piece in front of a large audience, and my head moves swiftly from one direction to another just to avoid that "accidental" gaze he might throw in me, fearing that he may look into my eyes, and read my thoughts about him? That feeling of gratification when I see a picture of him, clear, no edits, just plainly him, and that nagging urge to hit that "like" button to somehow express that I am pleased with his post, but fought against that urge because I'm a conservative and a reserved girl who won't go launching the first moves? That feeling of jealousy and envy when other girls have the guts to talk to him and make him smile, or when other girls know him personally and manages to carry on a casual conversation with him, while I look from a distance, observing his gestures and the movement of his eyes? That feeling of unexplained happiness when I know pieces of him from a person I trust... the details, his wants, his preferences, his words, and automatically process those information for my long term memory bank? That feeling of wanting to shout at myself for being crazy about the boy, realizing that I'm just another girl attracted to him, that other girls prettier than me are interested in him, and that he has his own interests, too and it's not me, of course?

I wonder. If that continues, will this feeling last for a thousand years?

I'm worried, because he makes me happy without him doing anything for me, but if he does something that will not complement my feelings, the sheer joy will be damn over. Really, I'm preparing myself for what might happen in the future. Who knows, right?

Then suddenly, another question popped up. What if... we became friends? Shoot. I still got no plans for that kind of situation. Because... How will I act normal? Can I act normal in front of him in the first place? What if I'll be included in his "friend zone" (that will hurt!)? How will I hide the truth? Can I hide it in the first place? Some of the questions, and I still got no answers. But surely, I have to make a plan for such scenarios.

The question remains... will loving someone for a thousand years and a thousand more applicable to me? I guess... the answer lie on that far, far future. You can't really understand what I'm going through. :p